The inner critic
The inner critic
You know that voice in your head that whispers how your flaws are too big, your dreams unsuitable and your life not quite right? that’s your inner critic. Can we learn to see it as a peaceful protector that looks out for us or are we going to allow it to control us and risk our goals, relationships and sanity?
The types of inner critic
The inner critic is born in early childhood and later it will remind us of the vulnerability we felt as children. Families impose certain rules to their youth, some stricter than others: “you shouldn’t have mud on your shoes“, “don’t be loud“, “why are you so quiet“, “don’t be too confident“, “don’t manifest your sexuality“, “don’t be selfish“.
Depending on these early events and how our minds absorbed them Jay Earley and Bonnie Weiss defined a set of different types of inner critic. Can you find yours?
The taskmaster - work hard, no breaks, your career is your life and you always want to aim higher and higher. You can’t be mediocre. Overworking can lead to your creativity being diminished and it puts a strain on your relationships, maybe without you even realising, while you’re chasing the next big career break. This inner critic is pushing you to succeed for fear of being seen as lazy or as a failure if you don’t keep going.
The perfectionist - everything needs to be perfect, your looks, your family, your work, your actions - but because in nature nothing will ever be perfect for this inner critic nothing is done well enough. There will always be a never-ending need to be the best, a bottomless pit - this results from when a person is accepted and loved more for what they do then who they are, when it all depends on their performance, or when that is what they understood from their surroundings. There is no concept of “good enough” and your self imposed requirements are also imposed on your partner, always avoiding real intimacy with a real person with imperfections just like you. At its core it’s setting these high expectations in order to not be judged or rejected.
The control freak - in this case the inner critic is trying to control your impulses in regards to things like: eating, drinking, spending money or other strong desires, strong emotions. The issue is you are feeling guilty and ashamed constantly when you are inevitably losing that focus and doing something your inner critic thinks you shouldn’t do. The feeling of guilt can actually cause you to act in ways that might lack self control (having more wine, eating that cake, buying that third pair of shoes, scrolling endlessly on TikTok) which will cause a vicious cycle. Its main motivator for shaming you is to make you a good person that functions well in society. In this case it’s a good idea to try and be aware of your habits and allow yourself to find good ways of enjoying yourself and your impulses in moderation - not because there’s a fight within you but because you are creating healthy boundaries.
The underminer - the one that makes you feel insignificant and unimportant, its power lies in making you think that you don’t have anything special to offer, that you are normal in order to stay small. Who are you to have an opinion, get your dream job, lead a company? It’s telling you not to be visible, successful, so you don’t get to that point where you can be rejected, or fail. It is protecting you from being too good, too important because that’s where you have the most to risk: the impostor syndrome, being criticised, being attacked, having too much to lose. When dealing with this critic the main strategy is to have courage, “feel the fear and do it anyway“, set small steps to get out of your comfort zone and to train your resilience to risk.
The moulder - the one that is trying to put you in a mould or standard set by your family, culture, community. This critic is telling you you should be a certain way, fit into a certain box: you should be more feminine, you should eat less meat, you should wear less makeup, you shouldn’t wear revealing clothes. Sometimes these things can be in opposition to each-other - you should be more modest but you should also be proud of what you achieve; you should be more compassionate and diplomatic vs you should speak your mind. It keeps you from expressing who you truly are to protect you from being abandoned or shamed and to help you fit in with a certain group. Understanding yourself, your values and accepting them as they are can give you a strong foundation in balancing the realities of the undulating world around us.
The guilt-tripper - that voice that is magnifying things from the past and how they affected your life or others. It brings forward thoughts such as “I shouldn’t have done that“ “Why didn’t I help?“ “They will never forgive me“ “I can’t forgive myself for that“. It is trying to protect you from repeating mistakes by never letting you forget them.
The doubter - the one that keeps asking questions that start with: what if ? always overthinking decisions, ideas, events. This can cause stress in your daily life and stagnation, never sure what direction to take because at each corner there are possibilities, some worse than others but none clear enough. Life is full of uncertainty and this inner critic can cause a never-ending loop of confusion and indecision. It is trying to protect you by making you prepared and taking into account all options before acting. To quiet the doubts try focusing on the good things that can come out of change, journaling could be another good way of calming your thoughts.
The destroyer - the worst of them all because it manifests as a feeling, a negative state - lack of motivation, sadness, feeling down, like you shouldn’t exist - it’s hate turned towards yourself. It usually comes from early life neglect or trauma, making you believe you are not worthy of basic respect and understanding. In its basic form it is trying to protect you from the risk of being alive.
Did you find your type? Is it a combination? Which has the loudest voice? Remember, addiction, bad habits, anger problems - they are all issues stemming from a difficulty in dealing with your inner critic. We are allowing it to control us and our interactions with others, we are losing small parts of ourselves by thinking shame, guilt, not enough, more, not that type.
Ways to understand your inner critic
Most people have triggers that awake their inner critic, such as feeling observed, losing a job, a breakup, being hungry, being lonely, the number of likes on a picture, the mirror. And to deal with these negative emotions we go into addictive patterns that only enforce the inner critic’s power, there must be a better way of dealing with this!
It’s good to first understand that being criticised requires a critic and a person to receive the negative feedback and within ourselves the inner child is on the receiver end. The two reside together the first analysing and disapproving of the other.
To combat the negative impacts that the inner critic can have we need to understand how to take care of our inner child, support it and teach it resilience. Our negative talk is only one part of us, it’s natural to want to get rid of it but that’s not how it works, you need to understand it, to view it objectively and see the benefits it can bring… in time quieting its voice and power.
What would happen if you tried to have a conversation with your inner critic? Become curious about this other side of you. Write down questions to ask it as from outside yourself: “Why do you think I am not enough?“, “What would happen if I don’t listen?“, “Why do you think I am lazy?“, “What would happen if you would stop criticising me?“ - there might be answers that show how it protects you: so you don’t make a fool of yourself, so you don’t fail, so you aren’t disappointed when it doesn’t go well. This process is similar to the idea of mindfulness - become aware and present to your negative thoughts, observe them without reacting but with curiosity.
It could also help to give it an image or a name so it is clear in our mind that it’s not us, it doesn’t hold the ultimate truth, it’s only a part of us.
Ask yourself things like: Where are these ideas coming from? What are the flaws you find in yourself, your life, your career? Where are you unhappy with your life? Does it remind you of something from your childhood, something that your parents told you or maybe judged others on? Who do you feel inferior to, or intimidated by? What qualities do they have? Who do you dislike or judge? Is there any connexion between your inner critic voice and the answers to these questions? These questions might help you find clues to a key side of you and what is behind your cynical inside voice.
Another important step to making peace with your inner critic is understanding that negative thought patterns are actually surprisingly common and sharing them with others can dissolve their power. Normalising its presence can lead us to feel more accepted and connected. Talking about your fears and sharing your progress with someone you trust can be extremely healing. Self esteem is built in relation with others not in a void, socialise, keep in touch with the people that help you grow and accept you as you are. The more you accept yourself and are authentic with others the more that negative self talk will diminish its power.
We need to remember, we are complex, imperfect beings that can hold multiple truths at once, that have pain and hurt and are also joyful, creative, playful and curious and that our inner critic can live with us without losing ourselves. Isn’t that wonder and tension so beautiful?
References
Criticul Interior - Episodul 31 - The Real You Podcast - Petre Barlea (15 decembrie 2020)
The Seven Types of Inner Critics - Jay Earley, PhD and Bonnie Weiss (2010)