fear and other thoughts in the sun
It finally feels like summer, the breeze giving sweet release from the hot bright sun. The insects, the wind in the leaves, the multitude of bird songs and children running and balls bouncing - it is all full of life and noise and calm and chaos.
I guess it’s strange, these contrasting moods and dynamics coexisting in the same space and time. I’m learning, and it’s a challenge, that there is no black or white, no separation. Everything exists in (dis)harmony in the same moment and we can switch our gaze, transform our thoughts and see another truth.
Life and death, fear and calm, sadness and joy, certainty and chaos. How can I embrace this reality? When all my life I have grasped to control, and know, and chase. How can I surrender to the passing time and choose to take it slower when I’ve grown up fidgeting and trying to do more, please more, never reaching that good enough point.
I’ve struggled with being accepted and appreciated for me, my humanity with flaws, and wonder, and excitement, and fullness and sometimes too-muchness. But who defines these things, and why am I trying to please external standards that somebody has build somewhere, sometime ..that I can’t even remember. Why is my own heart and my own truth not more important to be trusted and believed than anyone else’s voice?
How do I build the boundaries and doors to open my heart for those who truly want to be there and grow and build with me?
We are all so afraid.. and we don’t even know it. We don’t know how our words, and emotions can be contorted and bent by fear, transformed in fake truth. We are fools thinking that a feeling is valid enough to base decisions on. We don’t know enough about our heart to clearly discern if it comes from our true values or our fears.
There is no real logic, I don’t think, when it comes to human nature. It is all emotions and we try to rationalise them when we just need to feel them, then really look at them with curiosity and wonder ..and try to match them to our own values. It is there we can find certainty and consistency ..not in the fleeting moment of one emotion.
Who do I want to be in this world? What is most important to me? How do I want to live my life, and be remembered and what would make me smile on my death bed? Am I authentic to my soul?
My answer is probably love.. for this world, for wonder and understanding, for fairness and dedication, for birds flying in the sky and the sound of the waves, for each-other and for building something meaningful with someone.
My fear is messing with me all the time, and I get stuck in a dance with someone else’s fear and sometimes the dance is short and other times we can go on and on spinning until we don’t know who we are and when one ends and the other begins.
But I’m not sure that is love..
I’m searching for a human who can see me and can see themselves and we choose to continue dancing and moving, switching control but always holding hands, hands that could let go but choose not to, choose to always reach back.
Pair programming
For those who didn’t know I have been a software engineer for over 6 years now. My first jobs out of uni was in a (initially) small company that subscribed to many of the agile and lean practices. This is where I experienced working side by side with people of different skills, experience levels and roles, and where my love for teamwork and pair programming grew.
This post will be a bit different from the rest because I will present a little info on Pair Programming and why I think any team should try it.
Two heads are better than one
We all know the saying “Two heads are better than one“, this definitely applies to pair programming and why it can be so helpful for the healthy functioning of a team and the quality of work.
Pair programming is a software development technique where two individuals work together on the same piece of code.
There are two roles involved in this technique:
The driver - they are in charge of the keyboard, typing what the navigator communicates
The navigator - they are providing the direction of the code
To keep things balanced the two switch roles regularly, in this way the perspectives change and the design is more balanced. To do this effectively the two individuals have to be in constant communication, both participating in outlining the code.
Tips and tricks
Plan beforehand - make sure you both understand the acceptance criteria and talk through the direction of the approach, breaking down the problem
Test driven development - try writing the test first and exchange roles to write the code that causes the test to pass
Get a list of tasks and tick them as you go - make notes of the things that need to be achieved and new ideas as they come up and try to keep to one task area at a time
Ask questions such as: “How do you …?“, “What should we …?“, “Why do you think …?“, “What about ...?“
Speak-up when typing - it’s great to continuously say out loud what you are typing, this will keep the focus on the screen and highlight any misunderstandings
Don’t be afraid to bring the discussion back on the task at hand
Leave your phone behind
This sounds easy in theory but can take many wrong turns before reaching the right speed and direction especially with people new to it.
Potential bumps in the road
The adjustment period - Sitting at the same desk or in a 1-2-1 conversation with someone you aren’t used to can be fairly daunting and uncomfortable. It takes some time to adapt to each other’s way of thinking through problems and prioritising. It is also even more clumsy when the styles of communication are different (extrovert vs introvert, detail orientated vs big picture). Remember, you both bring new ways of looking at things and it helps sharpen your knowledge, and your negotiation skills, resulting in an overall better plan and code base.
Takes longer and uses more resources - This is one of the reasons the business might not be willing to accept pair programming as a practice. Two people working on the same task might seem counter-productive but in the long run this improves code quality and produces 15% less defects that otherwise would have required more development time and created a more unstable product.
Navigator loses interest - this is very common when the driver takes control and doesn’t communicate their ideas. One solution could be implementing a strong style pairing in which the navigator makes all the decisions and the driver has to switch places if they want to control the direction.
Exhaustion - It is important to understand both individuals’ needs and take regular breaks or pair program only for a specific set of time or tasks.
Not every project is suited - Some tasks are simple and repetitive, these don’t require a second pair of eyes and that is ok. It could be a good idea to discuss in planning sessions which of the tasks that are appropriate for pairing and would benefit from knowledge sharing and pair support.
In time the benefits outgrow and overcome the bumps in the road.
Benefits of pair programming
Knowledge sharing - whether one of the developers is more experienced or not, pair programming helps better understand the task at hand and how everything is connected within the software. This means both people will have more knowledge to take future design decisions and find the work easier. This is also a great way to introduce more junior roles to parts of the code base as it’s a more direct way to learn practices and software architecture than using tutorials or books.
2 modes of thinking – when two people are thinking about a problem they both come with different ways to look at it. Sometimes even saying something in a different way can uncover a solution or a new path.
Code review on the go - the result of pair programming is clearer and more maintainable code, which gives confidence in the work created and doesn’t require thorough review.
Focus – pair programming keeps the people involved focused on the task at hand, having another person there can keep you accountable which increases productivity.
Collective code ownership - helps with removing blame culture and defensiveness when refactoring is required and creates a sense of common work and shared responsibility.
Breaking down silos - silos are unhelpful in a software team, having one developer that is the only one with the specialised knowledge to answer questions and make decisions is a clear path to disaster. Sharing the information balances the knowledge of the entire team. In time when tasks are on the board anyone can pick one up and understand it.
Better code quality - this comes back to the fact that two minds are working on this, they bring separate experiences that enrich the quality of the code. They can separately notice things that the other might not on their own.
Team flow and communication - this is probably one of the most hidden benefits of pair programming but also one of my favourites because so many times the discomfort I felt in working with someone I didn’t quite know was transformed into true respect for the uniqueness of the other, and even affection for their sometimes unusual ways of doing things.
The inner critic
The inner critic
You know that voice in your head that whispers how your flaws are too big, your dreams unsuitable and your life not quite right? that’s your inner critic. Can we learn to see it as a peaceful protector that looks out for us or are we going to allow it to control us and risk our goals, relationships and sanity?
The types of inner critic
The inner critic is born in early childhood and later it will remind us of the vulnerability we felt as children. Families impose certain rules to their youth, some stricter than others: “you shouldn’t have mud on your shoes“, “don’t be loud“, “why are you so quiet“, “don’t be too confident“, “don’t manifest your sexuality“, “don’t be selfish“.
Depending on these early events and how our minds absorbed them Jay Earley and Bonnie Weiss defined a set of different types of inner critic. Can you find yours?
The taskmaster - work hard, no breaks, your career is your life and you always want to aim higher and higher. You can’t be mediocre. Overworking can lead to your creativity being diminished and it puts a strain on your relationships, maybe without you even realising, while you’re chasing the next big career break. This inner critic is pushing you to succeed for fear of being seen as lazy or as a failure if you don’t keep going.
The perfectionist - everything needs to be perfect, your looks, your family, your work, your actions - but because in nature nothing will ever be perfect for this inner critic nothing is done well enough. There will always be a never-ending need to be the best, a bottomless pit - this results from when a person is accepted and loved more for what they do then who they are, when it all depends on their performance, or when that is what they understood from their surroundings. There is no concept of “good enough” and your self imposed requirements are also imposed on your partner, always avoiding real intimacy with a real person with imperfections just like you. At its core it’s setting these high expectations in order to not be judged or rejected.
The control freak - in this case the inner critic is trying to control your impulses in regards to things like: eating, drinking, spending money or other strong desires, strong emotions. The issue is you are feeling guilty and ashamed constantly when you are inevitably losing that focus and doing something your inner critic thinks you shouldn’t do. The feeling of guilt can actually cause you to act in ways that might lack self control (having more wine, eating that cake, buying that third pair of shoes, scrolling endlessly on TikTok) which will cause a vicious cycle. Its main motivator for shaming you is to make you a good person that functions well in society. In this case it’s a good idea to try and be aware of your habits and allow yourself to find good ways of enjoying yourself and your impulses in moderation - not because there’s a fight within you but because you are creating healthy boundaries.
The underminer - the one that makes you feel insignificant and unimportant, its power lies in making you think that you don’t have anything special to offer, that you are normal in order to stay small. Who are you to have an opinion, get your dream job, lead a company? It’s telling you not to be visible, successful, so you don’t get to that point where you can be rejected, or fail. It is protecting you from being too good, too important because that’s where you have the most to risk: the impostor syndrome, being criticised, being attacked, having too much to lose. When dealing with this critic the main strategy is to have courage, “feel the fear and do it anyway“, set small steps to get out of your comfort zone and to train your resilience to risk.
The moulder - the one that is trying to put you in a mould or standard set by your family, culture, community. This critic is telling you you should be a certain way, fit into a certain box: you should be more feminine, you should eat less meat, you should wear less makeup, you shouldn’t wear revealing clothes. Sometimes these things can be in opposition to each-other - you should be more modest but you should also be proud of what you achieve; you should be more compassionate and diplomatic vs you should speak your mind. It keeps you from expressing who you truly are to protect you from being abandoned or shamed and to help you fit in with a certain group. Understanding yourself, your values and accepting them as they are can give you a strong foundation in balancing the realities of the undulating world around us.
The guilt-tripper - that voice that is magnifying things from the past and how they affected your life or others. It brings forward thoughts such as “I shouldn’t have done that“ “Why didn’t I help?“ “They will never forgive me“ “I can’t forgive myself for that“. It is trying to protect you from repeating mistakes by never letting you forget them.
The doubter - the one that keeps asking questions that start with: what if ? always overthinking decisions, ideas, events. This can cause stress in your daily life and stagnation, never sure what direction to take because at each corner there are possibilities, some worse than others but none clear enough. Life is full of uncertainty and this inner critic can cause a never-ending loop of confusion and indecision. It is trying to protect you by making you prepared and taking into account all options before acting. To quiet the doubts try focusing on the good things that can come out of change, journaling could be another good way of calming your thoughts.
The destroyer - the worst of them all because it manifests as a feeling, a negative state - lack of motivation, sadness, feeling down, like you shouldn’t exist - it’s hate turned towards yourself. It usually comes from early life neglect or trauma, making you believe you are not worthy of basic respect and understanding. In its basic form it is trying to protect you from the risk of being alive.
Did you find your type? Is it a combination? Which has the loudest voice? Remember, addiction, bad habits, anger problems - they are all issues stemming from a difficulty in dealing with your inner critic. We are allowing it to control us and our interactions with others, we are losing small parts of ourselves by thinking shame, guilt, not enough, more, not that type.
Ways to understand your inner critic
Most people have triggers that awake their inner critic, such as feeling observed, losing a job, a breakup, being hungry, being lonely, the number of likes on a picture, the mirror. And to deal with these negative emotions we go into addictive patterns that only enforce the inner critic’s power, there must be a better way of dealing with this!
It’s good to first understand that being criticised requires a critic and a person to receive the negative feedback and within ourselves the inner child is on the receiver end. The two reside together the first analysing and disapproving of the other.
To combat the negative impacts that the inner critic can have we need to understand how to take care of our inner child, support it and teach it resilience. Our negative talk is only one part of us, it’s natural to want to get rid of it but that’s not how it works, you need to understand it, to view it objectively and see the benefits it can bring… in time quieting its voice and power.
What would happen if you tried to have a conversation with your inner critic? Become curious about this other side of you. Write down questions to ask it as from outside yourself: “Why do you think I am not enough?“, “What would happen if I don’t listen?“, “Why do you think I am lazy?“, “What would happen if you would stop criticising me?“ - there might be answers that show how it protects you: so you don’t make a fool of yourself, so you don’t fail, so you aren’t disappointed when it doesn’t go well. This process is similar to the idea of mindfulness - become aware and present to your negative thoughts, observe them without reacting but with curiosity.
It could also help to give it an image or a name so it is clear in our mind that it’s not us, it doesn’t hold the ultimate truth, it’s only a part of us.
Ask yourself things like: Where are these ideas coming from? What are the flaws you find in yourself, your life, your career? Where are you unhappy with your life? Does it remind you of something from your childhood, something that your parents told you or maybe judged others on? Who do you feel inferior to, or intimidated by? What qualities do they have? Who do you dislike or judge? Is there any connexion between your inner critic voice and the answers to these questions? These questions might help you find clues to a key side of you and what is behind your cynical inside voice.
Another important step to making peace with your inner critic is understanding that negative thought patterns are actually surprisingly common and sharing them with others can dissolve their power. Normalising its presence can lead us to feel more accepted and connected. Talking about your fears and sharing your progress with someone you trust can be extremely healing. Self esteem is built in relation with others not in a void, socialise, keep in touch with the people that help you grow and accept you as you are. The more you accept yourself and are authentic with others the more that negative self talk will diminish its power.
We need to remember, we are complex, imperfect beings that can hold multiple truths at once, that have pain and hurt and are also joyful, creative, playful and curious and that our inner critic can live with us without losing ourselves. Isn’t that wonder and tension so beautiful?
References
Criticul Interior - Episodul 31 - The Real You Podcast - Petre Barlea (15 decembrie 2020)
The Seven Types of Inner Critics - Jay Earley, PhD and Bonnie Weiss (2010)
Mind hacks
Choose a positive thought
This is one of those things you probably see around in media when it comes to mental wellbeing a lot: positive affirmations, gratitude journals. It is proven: the mind cannot hold 2 opposing thought in the same time. Focus on what went right, what you are grateful for, what you are good at and you will see your mood following.
Say to yourself thinks like:
I loved it when [… this …] happened today
I am grateful for […]
That was so funny
I appreciate […]
Praise yourself
It is a fact that everyone has weaknesses and strengths but the best way to move forward and feel happy is looking at your strengths. We believe what we keep hearing so why not hear the good things?
Sometimes looking at the negative parts of yourself can get you stuck into a never-ending gloom loop. If I think : “I am not good enough” - this thought would make me feel sad and upset and disappointed in myself. When we’re sad and disappointed our body feels weak, our shoulders are down, we’re not sitting straight, we withdraw into oneself and procrastinate. Which means we would not be able to achieve goals. This would then enforce our initial thought “I haven’t managed to achieve the goal .. I am not good enough“ … and here we go again in a circle.
Say to yourself thinks like:
I am enough
I am worthy of love and belonging
I am going to get that job
I care about people
I am strong
I believe in myself
Focus on what you want
The mind likes to prove you right. There is a reason why many successful people are talking about: Vision boards, the power of the mind and attracting abundance. Make a conscious effort to focus on what you want.
When we choose our goal and focus on it, combined with the clarity of our values and what resonates with us we can trick our mind into achieving it. It is not magic! It’s about the capacity of the mind to eliminate distraction from our field of view. When there is a strong image of what you want to reach your mind will catch onto that like onto a light in a dark forest, moving you closer and closer to it. When you believe something the mind will find the information to prove it or to help you achieve it.
Say to yourself thinks like:
This is the role I want and I am going to get it
I will collaborate with that amazing professional
I will adopt a dog
I will run 5k
I will do great in the interview
Choose your words carefully
It is easy to choose something to focus on but make sure you are looking at what is important to you. Are you sure you want a big house and a big garden if there is no one to share them with? What about that awesome role at that big company if this means having no free time?
The mind does what you think literally, so be literal. Imagine not only the object or activity but most of all how it makes you feel when you are there. And sometimes you might discover that the object takes a different shape and the path takes you to those feelings but in a direction and a story that you haven’t yet imagined.
Say to yourself thinks like:
I want a bright big house that feels like home, filled with laughter and abundance
I want a role that appreciates my strengths and values my opinions in a company that aligns with my values: cooperation, innovation …
I want a big family in which we all feel valued and can communicate openly and feel loved.